Mordo VS Rigs
by TheBooksofEli
Summary: Mordecai and Rigby inconveniently reencounter the Wereskunk! Unfortunately, there is a worldwide tomato ban, so they just might be screwed over! Although, Rigby sees this as an opportunity to prove he can finally beat Mordecai at something and enjoy it. What will go down in this international melee full of Death-Kwan-Do and inhumane attacks? Will they be too late to change back?
1. Another Day

Author's Note

I'm hoping this one turns out to be something like a 'Man of Steel' or 'Freddy VS. Jason' type of battle - or just about any man-on-man battle wher only one can be a victor - but to keep it Rated T, they'll both survive and have a happy ending.

Nevertheless, **crap will be beaten out of them both** all over the continent. Enjoi ;)

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Another Day**

"UUHHH! THIS IS SOOOO BORING! COME ON MORDECAI LET'S BAIL!"

"Get to work, dude! Benson's coming soon!"

"Dude! Do me a solid and-"

"NO! No more solids! You know what happened last time!"

"Yeah, but nobody remembers that! Beside, I destroyed the tape anyway!"

All of the sudden, Muscle Man screamed out loud with him and his shirt hanging off the cart, Hi Five Ghost at the wheel.

"WOOO! Yeah! One year anniversary of Mordecai's sick solid! Slam the pedal, Fives! WOOOO!"

"Nevermind. Um...rock-paper-scissors?"

"Destroyed the chair."

"_UGH!_ I need a new temp!"

"No, Rigby! Remember? He tried to steal your identity! Just do your work! Ugh! Nevermind! You're worthless. Just wait over by the bush or something, I'll finish the rest."

"NOW you're talking!" said Rigby, approaching the bush. Something immediately snagged his hand. Mordecai heard the bushed rattle.

"Aw! What now? This better not be some lame trick to get my attention! Dude, quit it! Benson's coming!" Mordecai started to sound more frantic.

"It's not me! Someone's grabbing me! Get me out of this!"

"Rigby, I'm not kidding, he- WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" Then came the helpless cries of disgust as their bodies were covered in the rancid stench of a were-skunk.

"Get away from him!" Mordecai pulled Rigby out of the shrub faster after the unpleasant smell dominated the air.

"Oh. It's you two! Why are you bugging me!"

_"Why _**you-" **Rigby thought he would have to go through this again. "Why do you keep doing this!"

"Woah, woah, woah! Get your hands off me, I'm only protecting myself! Who do you think I am?"

"You don't know what I've been through, BUB! I didn't want to see you around here again - but then you came around and got skunked again!"

"Oh him? No, no, no, I skunked **him."**

"What?" Mordecai entered the argument.

"Who you think sprayed him? Hmm? Who you think told him the fake cure before it was too late? Who do you think started it all? Hmm? Well - **it was me, wiseguy!** Now, you and your friend get to share my pain! Now you all will get a taste of what it's like!"

"But I already have! And I don't plan on going through this hell again! **Get back here!" **Rigby lunged for his tail but the were-skunk was all but too fast.

"Let him go, Rigby! There's no point in getting vengeance. No one mourns the wicked."


	2. Down on the Corner

**Chapter 2 - Down on the Corner**

"Broadway references? Dude, thats so lame."

"Oh, so my life is lame - _ay?" _Mordecai was fueled by an unprecedented and unfamiliar anger, he grew in size and clasped Rigby by the neck, saying in a deeper voice, **"Well at least I HAVE people in this ****life that would actually go with me to see plays like that! Who do you have, Rigby? Oh, that's right, you're ALONE! Nobody likes you - YOU'RE the lame one, Rigby, YOU ARE!"**

Mordecai retracted back into his natural form and Rigby fell tithe floor gasping for breath.

"Oh crap! Sorry! I really didn't mean it!"

"Save it!"

**"What are you two doing! You're supposed to be combing the park for excess trash! And what do I find?**_\- ugh!_ What did you expect, Benson? Just MORE slacking off.

"No, Benson, you don't understand!" Rigby got back on his feet, brushing off the dirt on his legs.

"Really, Benson, it was a Wereskunk!"

"You're BOTH full of crap. Explain why none of yours tasks are finished yet?"

"We're not bull-crapping you! We need tomato paste, stat!" Rigby replied.

"You're only saying this to get out of work, I KNOW your kind!"

"Who are you to tell me that, who do you think you are?" Rigby instantly transformed. **"Oh, my boss thinks he runs the place. HE'S so smart he deserves recognition, well I have a few words-"**

**"RIGBY, QUIT IT!"** Mordecai started swinging a loose piece of a metal pipe on Rigby, who only had to glance back and lift a fist to send Mordecai back-first into a tree.

**"Look at you, so bold and mighty, GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND GET A LIFE YOU PRICK! You're nothing, YOU HERE ME? NOTHING!" **

Mordecai could only stare back through dizzy eyes, once again fueled by anger. His transformed body lunged head-on at Rigby, who released Benson to the floor, struggling for air. As the two fought each other off, Benson cowardly scurried back to the house to get backup. Rigby was till trying to pull Mordecai over his head and off his back, but Mordecai wouldn't let him escape a firm headlock. Finally, Mordecai reached the floor, bringing Rigby down with him, although he didn't expect Rigby to fall on top of him. Rigby hit the ground and cracked whatever bones were beneath, Mordecai vengefully stared up at his opponent and sent a foot straight into his shin. Rigby was forced to take a knee, but before Mordecai could take another shot at him, they were both ambushed by the rest of the park. Skips, leading the ambush, managed to send them both on their backs into a net, sequentially, they we're put to sleep with the help of Thomas and Muscle Man's chloroform.


	3. All the Wrong Reasons

**Chapter 3 - All the Wrong Reasons**

Rigby woke up underwater in a dark tub - surprisingly, not drowned. Water spurted out profusely from his mouth and fell to the floor. He rubbed his bloodshot eyes and found the rusty chain rubbing against the porcelain tub; when he tumbled out in writhing anxiety, it was evident the chain was locked on to his ankle. A faint voice called out from the pitch black.

"Rigby?"

The light's switched on. Absolutely nothing wrong with the room at all. In fact, it was just an interrogation room.

* * *

Eileen was behind the glass speaking into the microphone.

"Talk it out."

"Talk what out?"

"Why you think I should let you two out."

"You shackled us to chains!" said Mordecai.

"And where are we?" Rigby asked.

Eileen looked around. "We're actually in the basement of the Coffee Shop. Never used it for anything, till now."

Skips took the microphone. "Listen, if you don't know already, you're locked in here because you both pose a threat. Unfortunately for you two, there's been a tomato ban over most of the world - which means only a select few countries have tomato paste that will bring you both back to normal; until then, we'll have to find it before you both turn forever." Skips asserted.

"So where do we come in?" questioned Rigby.

"You don't!" Benson surprised everyone by his visit. "You two caused a LOT of property damage to the park and yourselves already. Do you know how many resources we've used up to bring you here? It was hell! Now, I don't want you leaving here until we fix all this."

"Remind me what happened," Mordecai chimed in.

"You and Rigby were prayed by another wereskunk."

"I thought the last one was the end of it!"

"Guess again, Rigby." Benson snapped.

"Ugh! Why does there always have to be a PROBLEM? Why couldn't everything be **_simple_?**" Rigby was growing furious and morphed back into is hybrid form. **"Oh no! We can't have a decent problem without another getting in the way! LOOK AT US! WE'RE PRETTY MUCH STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER, AND NONE OF YOU GIVE A CRAP TO GO FIND THE TOMATO PASTE IN THE FIRST PLACE! What, did you want this for yourselves? FOR US TO STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER!" **Rigby ran into the glass at full speed but couldn't shatter it on the first go.

**"BENSON CAN'T EVEN TRUST US TO FIND IT OURSELVES! WELL, WE'LL SHOW HIM!"**

Mordecai finally spoke out. **"Rigby!" **Then felt the rush of change, **"JUST LET IT GO!" **Rigby ran backwards into the brick wall and knocked Mordecai to the floor. Their chains both snapped.

"So much for not getting out of there," Benson skeptically noted.

Rigby took Mordecai by the legs and flung him head-first into the porcelain tub, brown, outdated water flowed profusely over the cold floor.

**"IT'S DOUCHE BAGS LIKE YOU THAT ARE THE THORNS IN MY SIDE. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE GOOD GUY - KISSING UP TO BENSON AND WHATNOT, GETTING JEALOUS AND CRANKY OVER A LOST-CAUSE-OF-A-GIRLFRIEND, AND ESPECIALLY, AFTER ALL THIS TIME, I _STILL_ LOSE TO YOU AT EVERYTHING!"**

"YOU'RE JEALOUS BECAUSE I HAVE A LIFE?" Mordecai muttered on the floor, grasping his splitting headache.

**"I'm jealous because you RUIN MY LIFE!**

Rigby picked Mordecai up by the head and threw him back into the interrogation window. Finally, the "shatter-proof" glass shattered into itty-bitty shards. Skips, Eileen, Benson, and even Margaret were gathered when it happened.

"FIRE THE TRANQS! IF THEY CAN TAKE OUT DEATH BEAR, THEY AS SURE AS HECK WILL WORK ON HIM!" Skips ordered. Everybody open-fired on Rigby.

**"Why aren't they working?" Margaret panicked.**

**"THIS IS NOT GOOD! HE'S BECOMING STRONGER WITH EVERY HIT!"**

Rigby finally grabbed his victim - Margaret. But before he could lift a finger, Mordecai sent a Death Punch straight into his face. Rigby tumbled and turned over at high speed into an 18-wheeler and left a hole in the shape of his body - Road Runner style.

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS ONE, RIGBY! LOOK WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE!" Mordecai gesticulated to the four troopers on the ground - bewildered.

Rigby walked out of the truck without a visible scratch on his body.

**"That was just a ****slap on the hand to me. Come on, Mordecai, let's have some fun! After all, we do it everyday!"**

"I'm not fighting you, Rigby. Don't you want to get back to normal?" Mordecai was helping Margaret off the floor.

**"DON'T YOU WANT TO STOP BEING A PUSSY!"**

"Say I'm a pussy... _ONE_ more time!" Mordecai challenged Rigby.

_"PUSSY."_

Mordecai altered. "**SO BE IT!"**


	4. Fight For Your Right

**Chapter 4 - Fight For Your Right**

Mordecai rushed to the 18-wheeler, full speed ahead. Rigby hardly flinched, he stepped aside and let the brute slam into the rear bumper. Rigby cackled and lifted Mordecai in the air - temporarily numb. Instantaneously, Rigby pulled the Bane move - a total back-splitting ram into the knee - TKO, and of course, let him fall into wet cement. Mordecai surprised Rigby and brought him face-first into the cement. Mordecai wrapped a hand around his neck and began to pin Rigby further into the hardening cement. The only resolution was to use the ringed tail, it went around and around until Mordecai got dizzy. A rush of blood ran to his head - it seemed time to end this; Mordecai utilized the lesson from Death Kwan Do - the Death Jump. They both sprang forward and forward, smashing past the street, the chain restaurant, and the Dodge Challenger down on the corner.

**"Ow. That's cheating!" **

**"It's called street rules." Mordecai corrected. **

**"Alright, Clint Eastwood, let's dance!"**

Rigby grabbed Mordecai by the chest and threw him clear into the glass of a bust stop like a rag doll. Before Mordecai managed to get himself upright i. the pool of glass, Rigby gave him a Death Kick to the colon - knocking the day lights out of Mordecai, and all in two swift moves, tossed Mordecai up in the air and Death Punched Mordecai clear across the city limits.

Outside of Sacramento, California, in the hot sun, Mordecai spat the blood out of his mouth and the red drool trickled on the ground. Rigby leaped into the sky and found Mordecai covered in orange dirt in an isolated desert.

"How in the heck did you learn all that?"

**"Raccoons are known as "masked bandits", how ELSE did you think I figured all that out?"**

"What happening to us?"

**"YOU! YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS! YOU LET THIS HAPPEN, DIDN'T YOU! DON'T SAY I'M WRONG! WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST HELP A BROTHER OUT!"**

"Don't you blame this on me!" Mordecai altered again. **"I ONLY DID WHAT I COULD, YOU PILL!" **Mordecai was suddenly stooping over Rigby with an elbow in his face, trying to ward off Rigby's hands that were choking him.

**"Oh, Mordecry. It's just a sad sight to see you like this - stopping down to my level, getting down and dirty, and look at you - you're just another dingy lump of coal in a mound of diamonds. You're the only one dense enough to share all your little weaknesses with me. For example, I'm an expert skydiver while you're a bird that can't fly. Let's have our first lesson," **Rigby Death-Kicked Mordecai clear into the stratosphere and followed him with a Death Jump.


	5. Learning To Fly

**Chapter 5 - Learning To Fly**

"Ever heard of Tom Petty?"

"Who hasn't?" Without warning, Mordecai grabbed for Rigby's head and slammed it into his knee - only now Rigby was skyrocketing down over Seattle and crash-landed on his shoulder.

He recovered quickly (out of vengeance) in time to say, "How 'bout a quote or two?", and lunged at Mordecai, rolling them along the ocean waves of the Pacific like a tumbleweed. Rigby landed on the shore of Fiji and launched Mordecai back into the air again.

"I'm learning to fly...around the clouds," Rigby went for a gut punch but instead got his head clamped down upon by Mordecai and received a throat kick. He fluttered temporarily then recuperated in time to finish his message.

"...what goes up," Rigby Death-Kicked Mordecai into the sandy beaches of Honolulu.

"...must come down." All of the sudden, Rigby and Mordecai were reverted back to normal. Mordecai caught his breath, coughed a pool of blood out, and paused in between cringes from cuts and bruises, Rigby crouched down in the sand and wrapped his arms around his beaten chest.

"Rigby, wait a minute; look at us. We're already changing." He was motioning his blackening arms and tail feathers and Rigby looked back at his tail to see it the color of tar.

"Is _this_ what you want?

"What I want?" asked Rigby, laughing maniacally. "Are you always this dense? **HELL YES! This is all I ever wanted!** A moment like this never comes _my_ way! Not a day goes by in the past 23 years we've known each other without me remembering this. The first time I was skunked, well, let's face it, was a nightmare — I was scared, I wanted help; but that day I learned something, I wouldn't have to be your little ass wipe any longer. Since I lost that power over you, I thought it was over for me, never would I amount to your strength again. But, chances are, it would come back around again - and it did. And now, now that I've got you right where I want you - I want revenge for putting up with all the crap in my life because of you.

**"But we're best friends, jackass, don't you know that? Don't you _also _know we'll be splitting the skunking with that other wereskunk if we don't get back to our normal selves?"**

"We were friends in our old lives, as you call it. But I don't want that bullcrap back. Why would I want my old life, anyway? It's just filled with misery, confusion, rejection—" Rigby quieted down and stared at the ground, feeling depressed, "...rejection from your family, your loved ones, your boss, hell, even from your own best friend. And I failed them all." Rigby looked back up, near to tears. "Do you_ really_ expect me to go back to being a failure, to LIVE with that failure?" Then he suddenly fueled himself with anger and morphed back into his own worst enemy.

**"Who do I have back home that ever wanted me?"**

"EILEEN! EILEEN, RIGBY! CAN'T YOU SEE? _SHE_ NEEDS YOU! AND SO DO I!"

**"That was touching, bro, but I'm still gonna kill you."** Rigby chuckled, **"Wow, huh, Eileen? You think she needs me around? That's a good one!" **he said chuckling on.

"I thought she did, but I guess I was wrong."

The pressure came on to Rigby fast, as it did, Rigby came back to normal form, pondering his friend's last thought. He stared into his soul for a moment, awestricken at the very thought. He knew Mordecai was right, but his other half convinced himself he was wrong. A bitter contempt built over it like an infectious parasite, then he grew back into his beast, darted towards Mordecai, and growled at the top of his lungs.

_**"LIAR!"**_


	6. The Show Must Go On

**Chapter 6 - The Show Must Go On**

_Death Block..._Rigby fell back a few meters and stood still.

"Rigby, don't do this, we don't have to fight like this. Let's just get back to normal before we get stuck-"

Suddenly, a rush of adrenaline ran through them both, knocking them on their knees. They watched the tar-black skunk skin crawl over their bodies, engrossing their attention on their lower halves slowly growing skunk tails and white stripes.

**"...like this!"** Mordecai finished, feeling the chilling sensation of growing back tickling his spine.

**"Why should I trust you? You only want us to change back for yourself! So you can go back to using me like a tool ****some more!"**

**"You _are_ a tool, Rigby! And I guess I'll have to bash some sense into that thick skull of yours!"**

**"I'd like to see you try!"**

They both ran at each other like sparring bucks, sending Mordecai tearing through the water and Rigby into a grove of palm trees, all falling over. Rigby got back on his feet and flew fist-first at Mordecai, who caught the fist and Death Launched the raccoon further from him into the air. Rigby's eyes caught a glimpse of Mordecai rocketing at him, but before he could plan ahead, he crashed into him so that they were face-to-face, each of them were reaching out for each other's throats. The tension faded away as they drew meters away from what looked like a factory just above their heads. With a smash, they broke through the brick ceiling and splatted on the ground.


	7. A Rough Awakening

**Chapter 7 - A Rough Awakening**

Rigby came to.

Lights flickered a dim ember, soon to go out, sparks and wires hung from the ceiling. His head was in a whirl, he forced his head to the right to see Mordecai - red. Then he lost consciousness again.

Rigby woke up again, only slightly opening his eyelids this time. He was moving forward somehow, only, it wasn't him. He heard Eileen's voice penetrating his daze. Looking up, he saw Eileen, and although he wanted to be awake more than ever, he couldn't muster the energy - out cold.

2 hours later, he woke up to a hospital bed bathed in red. Across from him was Mordecai, just barely visible under a white sheet stained red. Rigby ripped off the wiry things attached to his arm and chest and leaped onto Mordecai, removing the veil to see a face he hardly recognized. Rigby was audible but could hardly muster a cry, until, he felt the chest he was on lift up slowly - he was breathing. Soon after, the doctors raucously strapped Rigby back into his bed and shoved a needle in his arm. Rigby slowly closed his eyes, stopping the flowing tears, and passed out.

* * *

"Rigby? Are you awake?"

"Oh, hey Skips. Sorry about what we did," Rigby said with full remorse and was immediately forgiven. "How am I still alive after all that? And not a wereskunk?"

"When you and Mordecai were sprayed, your energy was multiplied and disperesed to every muscle of your body, preserving your mortality from even the harshest injuries. You're lucky the energy didn't fry your brain...like Mordecai."

"What? What do you mean 'fry'?"

"Yes, fry. When the energy of a wereskunk spray is preserved in a host's body long enough, it poisons the mind, and all that dispersed energy will shoot up straight to the cerebral cortex and terminate." Skips knew Rigby wasn't following, so he rephrased. "Like a magnet."

"Oh, I get it now." Then he paused. "You mean, he's...really dead?"

Suddenly, the doors swung open.

"Not exactly."


	8. Piece By Piece

**Chapter 8 - Piece By Piece**

**"MORDECAI!"**

Rigby's tears flowed down his face - true, unfeigned, forgiving.

"Mordecai, you're not dead! I could've sworn-" Suddenly then, Rigby did the unthinkable, he gave Mordecai a warm hug.

"I'm sorry for all I put you through."

"No worries, man. You sure you aren't Doug?"

Rigby laughed. "You haven't changed a bit."

"Yeah, don't feel like it though."

Then Rigby turned his head to Skips. "Wait, Skips, what happened to us?"

"Don't you two remember? The whole nation had eyes on you two! The fight ended when you both fell through the roof of a tomato paste factory. The rest is history."

"So we're completely cured?"

"Let's just say it was too close for comfort."

Rigby's mind drifted off for a moment. _"Wait a minute!" _Rigby ripped his arms off Mordecai. "I would never hug you in real life, Doug did that! How come I'm the only one of us not suffering critical injuries? and where is everyone else?"

"You're forgetting one crucial feature. Death Kwon Do can only be performed when wearing the appropriate attire, which both of you never wore," said Sensei from Death Kwon Do, appearing out of nowhere. Likewise, Rigby sidestepped right and faced Eileen and Margaret, red with rage. But why?_** "RIGBY!" **_Someone from behind put a hand on his shoulder and span him around to face him - it was Benson. _**"This is all your fault, Rigby, looks like YOU'RE FIRED!"**_

* * *

Rigby sprang up out from underneath a pile of tattered, unwashed clothes. HIs eyes were red with fear.

"Rigby! Rigby get up!" shouted Mordecai, shaking him by the shoulders. Rigby rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and grunted.

"Mordecai?"

"Get up, dude! I asked you to rake the yard hours ago. That was the deal! But you just dozed off, and now Benson's on his way home!" Mordecai paused and lowered his voice.

"Look, I'll help you. But let's just get to work, okay?"

"_Uhh._..fine!"

They hurried outside, in a matter of moments, they were filling trash bag after trash bag with autumn leaves, about 10 minutes later, Rigby gave an awful moan.

"UUHHH! THIS IS SOOOO BORING! COME ON MORDECAI LET'S BAIL!"

"Get to work, dude! Benson's coming soon!"

"Dude! Do me a solid and-"

"NO! No more solids! You know what happened last time!"

"Yeah, but nobody remembers that! Beside, I destroyed the tape anyway!"

All of the sudden, Muscle Man screamed out loud with him and his shirt hanging off the cart, Hi Five Ghost at the wheel.

"WOOO! Yeah! One year anniversary of Mordecai's sick solid! Slam the pedal, Fives! WOOOO!"

"Nevermind. Um...rock-paper-scissors?"

"Destroyed the chair."

"_UGH!_ I need a new temp!"

"No, Rigby! Remember? He tried to steal your identity! Just do your work! Ugh! Nevermind! You're worthless. Just wait over by the bush or something, I'll finish the rest."

"NOW you're talking!" said Rigby, approaching the bush. Something immediately snagged his hand. Mordecai heard the bushed rattle.

"Aw! What now? This better not be some lame trick to get my attention! Dude, quit it! Benson's coming!" Mordecai started to sound more frantic.

"It's not me! Someone's grabbing me! Get me out of this!"

"Rigby, I'm not kidding, he- WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!"


End file.
